Wednesday, 27 May 2009

I fear I'm becoming one of THOSE people!

I fear I am becoming one of 'those' people: people who do not care; who have not found their true calling, waiting for nothing in particular. I fear I am becoming a nobody. What do I really want? I do know I want to teach. But, honestly, I already know that cannot be it. It could not sustain me forever. It is temporary.
I know I want to set up a library. Definitely; someday. Clueless, but hopeful I stand. It is impossible to figure it out- yet. It is too vast a dream. When will it come true; how... Such questions. I have not thought about that place in a while now, what with entrance exams and all. Not that I have studied much, but I have evaded the thought of a new beginning. When will it come true?
I know I love literature, but what in literature? It is such a vast field, you would not believe it. People think, 'Ah literature.' But it is a philosophy unto itself. It ought to be carefully scrutinised to comprehend, and truly appreciate. What is in a word, except the ability to please or wound, is it not?!

I realise this is becoming more of a 'what I want to do' post. But that is just it. Where am I? Am I becoming a slacker? A computer-addict? A non-dream-realiser? Hopefully not.
Sometimes, you need a dream-catcher: to watch over your dreams. Not only at night, but even in the hours of morn.
I dream that I will live quietly by the sea, unmolested by the cacophony of the city lights and city sounds. A little peace in a cavern of silence. But suddenly, I find that loneliness is maddening. It presses in on you like a scream. And you grow restless, and your body aches to be free again, when ironically, you are the most free of all creatures. I fear I am becoming one of 'those' people who cannot come to terms with their isolation.
We all live in our lands of isolation, and find strange consolation in empty conversations. Where will you find a person who is truly free? When can you sit and stare into eternity? I want to be there. I want to be that person.
But I fear, I am becoming one of 'those' people.

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